Where Am I

"So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other was about - He is looking for us." Simon Tugwell

There are times I actually beat myself up because I feel like I don't seek God enough. Perhaps I try to manage and handle things myself first. Then I don't feel like a very good Christian. However, it is God who seeks me and really all it takes from me is to say "God, here I am." There really isn't any long-drawn-out process of searching for God...He is there all the time just waiting for me to call out His name. Why do I have to make my life so hard? No matter the emotion I can eat and eat and eat looking for a salve. I then feel bloated, self-defeated, disgusted with myself...you know the list...anything but satisfied because food wasn't what I needed. If I can remember to FIRST say 'Here I am God' then maybe I can relieve myself of the physical and emotional pain of having failed again.

Needs

God allowing me to give birth and raise my two children has been one of the greatest joys of my life. I can honestly say I absolutely love being their mother and can not imagine a life without both of them. Even when they aren't physically close to me I can still hug them with my heart.

If I am so happy how did my weight balloon to almost twice the size it should be? Well, let's see...the seams on my tennis shoes started to come apart and my daughter needed school supplies; the seat of my jeans was wearing a bit thin but my son was growing out of his shoes; we needed groceries but payday was still a week away - what was the cheapest and easiest foods to fix - not the healthy foods that is for sure. I was frustrated over the car breaking down again, the washing machine broke down, the fridge stopped working right after going to the grocery store...not enough money, not enough time, not enough EVERYTHING I thought was important at the time. I kept saying NO, NO, NO to myself and things I needed because my family needed things too and they seemed more important to me. But I was saying 'yes' to myself through the frustration by licking the spoon, the bowl and the beaters! I was saying 'yes' to myself for evening out the row of brownies (so what if it was really three brownies - it was all one piece). I was saying 'yes' to myself for one more plate of food, it is a buffet and I need to get my money's worth because we are not wealthy! I got my feelings hurt at a PTA meeting; a bag of popcorn and an ice-cold coke while curled up on the couch when I get home sounds good. WHOA!!! What exactly am I saying 'yes' to. Let's see, I need some new winter socks and I don't need a coke when I stop for gas. I need a haircut and I don't need something salty and sweet the next time I am bored. When I am tired, bored, hurt feelings, frustrated....I don't need food.

What I can do is make a set of index cards with emotions on one side and a Bible scripture on the other. Then all I have to do is trust God to keep me busy while the urge to eat passes. Maybe also keep a few brain cells from disappearing by actually spending some time deep in thought. That could be a win-win situation for the whole family. The longer I can stay sane the longer my children can enjoy their lives and not have to take care of me 24/7!

"While all men seek after hapiness, scarcely one in a hundred looks for it from God." John Calvin

Last Week Of Regular Soccer Season

This is the last week of regular soccer season. I am glad to see it coming to a finish because a soccer game eats up our whole evening. They have three games this week. I planned ahead and have meals planned this week that I can make early in the day. It is my goal this week to eat foods that are healthy and I get the most for my points.
When it is cold I like starting my day out with oatmeal. Saturday I fixed it in the microwave and it just isn't the same. Even though it is still the old-fashioned whole oats, there is something special about boiling it on the stove top. For lunch I had half a bagel, lunchmeat and laughing cow cheese. Trying to drink only one pop a day is working out fairly well. This week I am going to fast from dinner Thursday to dinner Friday. I haven't done that since Lent and it always makes me feel so much better.
Yesterday was my 'mental health' day. I don't even remember the last time I slept in on a Sunday. Then I clipped coupons, planned on our food for the week, went grocery shopping and still managed to get a ton of work done. This week I need to take care of myself and find some spiritual healing.
This is taken from one of my devotions: He doesn't have a wonderful (meaning "comfortable") plan for everybody's life---not from a human perspective. How often do I think something isn't fair. I probably lament on 'fair' at least once a day. Who am I to judge what is fair? I have such a limited scope or ability to see what is going on around me. God can see everything at once. My sight only goes as far as the closest obstruction! And I have no knowledge of what others are thinking or the reasons for their actions. This week I need to whine less and trust more.

Football Concession Stand

Doing fairly well so far today on the food front. My son wanted some of those Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. One of them is 3 points - but they are good and something I rarely have - so you eat it and count it. The thing is, I am now full from one instead of eating half of them and feeling like a stuffed pig.



Tonight is the football concession stand. All season I have been taking my dinner with me. Usually a wrap and pretzels, water and crystal light packets. Do you have any idea how hard it is not to eat the brats with goopey metled cheese when it is all right there under my nose, on my fingers from dishing it up, swarming all around me, tempting me, taunting me.....it just doesn't look very good when it turns to fat and attaches itself to my thighs and derriere.



Today I feel lost. It is weird knowing I don't have a home church anymore. Now my family and I have to make the rounds and try to find a place that feels right, hopefully where the people are nice, worship is important, classes for learning, supportive to each other, strong and inviting youth group, and sermons that inspire. Why...oh why...do people have to be mean? Where are all the nice people in the world?

Happy Birthday to my Sister

Wow, had to run out the door to make a delivery without breakfast...no time. At least I remembered to take all my vitamins. Then rushed to Hallmark for a card and found a great suncatcher also for my sister. Today is her birthday...the lady at Hallmark was super...she took special care to wrap the gift in tissue and even put ribbon on it...once in the car I said a special prayer...God sent her into my life at a time I was really in need!!! Picked up my sister and headed north for lunch with Mom. NO CHIPS before lunch - whoo! hoo!, had buffet with chicken enchilada, mex rice, fideo and some rib thingy. Everything was just a taste so I think I did okay...don't have anyway of figuring points. Had 2 oz. of 93% beef and sauce on top of 1 oz. pasta for dinner. The best part is that I was full at lunch and dinner. There would have been a day that I would have been searching for more after each of those meals.

Someone asked me today if everything was fine. My response was that if it isn't I am faking it until it is. I have to move on, stay positive and not let me mind focus all the negative that took place at church. We watch Dexter on Showtime...not the type of show I would visual myself watching...but the subplots are very interesting. Today I realized that one of the reasons I get so drawn into the show is that I have been known to let my mind wander into the 'worst case scenario'...I think I always assumed that everyone does that. Now, I am not comparing myself to a serial killer, but I am wondering exactly how many people run scenarios thru their minds. They don't even all have to be bad examples, they can be things like what I would do if we won the powerball and all the people we would be able to help...what if a movie didn't end the way the writer planned and end another way...am I wasting brain cells?

I need to get my pj's on and relax for a bit. Tomorrow I need to work at high speed for a few hours and turn in my monthly statement so I can get paid next week. Hard to believe another month is almost over. Remember when you were little and it seemed like 3 or 4 years from one birthday to the next and 13, 16, 18 and 21 seemed ions away? Now it seems like 3 MONTHS between birthdays. That would make me about 71 years old right now - not so bad - still younger than my mom.......

Rain, Rain, Rain...

Rain, then a bit more rain, now a downpour. And yes, I did sit out in the pouring rain to watch my son play soccer. My thought was that if I expected him to stand and play in the rain in that flimsy soccer uniform, the least I could do was put on multiple layers of clothing, wear that 'never goes out of fashion' yellow rain coat, sit on a trash bag and huddle under an umbrella! It was raining so hard I could see sheets of rain flowing thru the air in the field lights.

What a day. Started off with my usual oatmeal, sat down to the computer and made sure my resignation email went to the church. After months of putting up with rumors and gossip I have finally reached my end point. It is time for me to take care of myself and my family. If the minister of your church is going to be part of the problem and not part of the solution - it is time to get out. Last night I sent my 'good-bye' email to my teens and parents. Did good at lunch and only had the rest of my dinner from last night that I couldn't finish - me - too upset to eat - WOW, what a transformation over the past year. Dinner was yogurt and a piece of cheese pizza. Looking good for today. I did have a little chocolate to curb the usual and predictable cravings.

One of my devotions today was this: our spirits bounce back from hurt and depression...they are more easily renewed when we take proper care of our bodies, since we are a total entity of heart, mind, body and spirit...today, I will look for ways to feed my spirit. Resigning at church and allowing myself the time and space to heal will not only help me but help my family. When I go overboard and stress out I take the whole family with me...this just is not fair to them.

BR-R-R-R

Yesterday was one for the records. I spent most of the day crying. This whole situation at church has been upsetting for months. Gossip - are you sure it isn't a four letter word? One of the things I appreciated the most was the lack of gossip at St. Luke's. I would love to point fingers but that would entail more gossip because I don't know for fact where the bad-mouthing originated. Anyway, the crescendo (for me) was Sunday and I honestly can not take anymore. They have managed to run off all but three of the teens. My original plan was to stay until the last man left the room, but I just can't take it anymore and it is hurting my family. It would not be right to keep my children from growing spiritually just to prove that I can 'turn out the lights'.

So, yesterday I stayed pretty true to my eating except for some no bake cookies. I did manage to tell myself 'NO' a few times and I consider that a victory. This morning I had old-fashioned oatmeal again and if I keep the brown sugar to 1 tsp. then it is 0 points!!!

The scripture and devotion lesson this morning was geared around the theme of our bodies being a temple. I have heard this many times before. This morning while I am reading, my dogs are hovering around drolling over my oatmeal. Suddenly, I realized I am better about treating my dogs bodies like a temple than I am about my own body. We try to feed them healthy dog food, rarely give them table scraps and make sure they have fresh water all the time. Why can't I be that good to myself? Today when I think I need a snack I am going to ask myself if it is necessary or just a whim. Is it because I am truly hungry or maybe upset or bored. Why is it that when my mind starts racing and I get stressed I immediately think I need food - and anything will do - well, that isn't really true either - I will keep eating everything in sight because none of it takes away the anxious or upset feeling. I can now empathize with alcoholics and drug addicts. This is why they many times find something else to obsess over.

Well, as I headed out the door I had more things on my mind than I could possible have crammed in there...the overflow must have clouded my vision because instead of carefully backing around Brian's car...yep, you guessed it...CRASH!...right into the front of his car! Ok, I always have to look for the good news, no damage to vital organs (of the car). Looks like I cracked the bumper and folded the hood a bit. Still, more money and/or stress than I can handle right now. Luckily for me Brian opted out of having me put to sleep. I did promise to stop and take a break to re-evaluate what is REALLY important to us as a family. Plan on spending the weekend cleaning the house and soul-searching.

After lunch and I still have 10.5 points left. That is good and means I can have dinner and my evening snack. Today I will make sure that both are healthy and good for me and serve some purpose other than just to fill a void!

What Is Between Happy and Sad?

What is it when you don't really feel sad but you aren't happy either? What is it when you need to get so many things done that you can't seem to finish anything? My job right now is the thing that needs to come first so I can continue to make money and support my family. But I can feel everything else not just knocking at the door but physically trying to force it open.

Today I had oatmeal for breakfast. The kind you actually cook on the stove...my very favorite...it was thick and creamy with a teaspoon of brown sugar. Just what I needed before heading out to church. We had homemade chili for lunch and pork loin and mashed potatoes for dinner. At the end of the day I still have 7 points...

Here is my dilemma...someone invited me to mlm and I really don't want to go. Is there any way of expressing how much I dislike mlm's. Being honest would be hurtful and I don't want to do that...lieing isn't something I really want to do either...what is left?

New Day

What does 'this is a new day' really mean? Why do we usually choose a Monday? That allows us to whoop it up all weekend and then try to make changes on Monday. Well, I am putting my foot down as the weekend begins. This morning I headed for the kitchen to have my usual smoothie and realized that we don't have enough rice milk for me and my son both to have breakfast. I have 6 hours of meetings to sit thru and he has a Debate tournament. So, I am starting my day off with an apple. They served veggie soup at the church meeting along with a side salad. I managed to pass on the dessert by not even going over for a glass of water - just drank the crystal light I brought with me, then a d.p. later to help me stay awake. Also didn't have coffee and donuts when I first got there. For dinner I ate 1/2 Arby's roast beef from a few days ago, spanish rice I made from scratch that is a measly 1 point, a package of yogurt treats and 2 ww fruities. So far today I have consumed 15.5 points and have 5.5 to go. The biggest disappointment is the Ken's Lite salad dressing - it was 2 points!
Went grocery shopping and used some coupons - I haven't done that in years. They are just too hard to keep track of. However, between the two stores I did manage to save $10 - that is quite a feat for me. Anyway, I have decided that for this first week I am going to limit myself to ONE pop a day. I bought the pop and have labeled them to keep me honest.
Tomorrow is my second 'new day' in this 'new week' and my plan is to get up a little early to read my devotions and journal before church. My life has been all out of whack and I have been feeling out of sorts. It is time to get myself centered and working on the life I want and know I can have. I would love to live a life of purpose rather than live a life of simply responding to my surroundings. I know that is what God wants for me, I just need to stop listening to the world and listen to Him.

Day One Starts With An Idea

In my ever-just-out-of-reach goal to improve the foods I eat has come another brilliant idea. It is easy to start something and completely frustrating for me to stay on track. It is either my inability to stay focused or the cost of healthy foods that sidetrack my every effort. So, each week I am going to set a new goal for myself in my quest for better eating. Now, remember...I just came up with this idea today...so setting a goal today would be a bit of over-achieving on my part. So, I am going to mull this around in my mind, go to the grocery store and see if anything 'strikes my fancy' or entices my taste buds. Or, perhaps I will start with dropping a food from my regular line-up. We will see what tomorrow brings...