Wishes

Are wishes unrealistic? Do you wish for things likes more money, winning lottery numbers, expensive clothing, a better house, a luxury car? Do you wish for circumstances such as the fat miraculously disappearing from your body, a parking spot close to the door, meeting the perfect person? For years I wished I would have everything in my life lined up perfect so I would have the courage to call a friend I had lost touch with. For years I thought maybe I would finally lose enough weight, live in the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood, have confidence and be the type of person she would want to reconnect with. The stars line up in the fashion only in the movies.

Over the past year I have dug deep into my past. Found some dark, damp, musky corners that needed toxic clean-up. Packaged very neat and tidy were some corners that simple needed just a breath of fresh air. And everything in-between. Along the path my friend Kathleen kept coming into my mind. My weight is still the same, we reside in the same house and I am working on my confidence. One day during the holidays I was taking a walk through the pages of Facebook and decided to put in Kathleen's name. The minute the picture came up on the screen I knew it had to be her.

Back in the day I think we might have irritated a person or two at Dodson Insurance. Kathleen and I could get to talking and laughing so hard. She was always someone I could be real with...well, as real as I let myself be at that time. So, I sent a friend request. It took a little while to get a response because she isn't on Facebook every day like I am. But just having a chance to reconnect was great. We decided to meet up to talk.

Sunday afternoon was suppose to be light flurries...then why, oh why, did I experience a white out on a street I rarely travel, looking for a restaurant I have never been to before? Finally the snow let up a little bit and I could see the street signs again. Luckily I hadn't gone too far. Up ahead I saw the stores my Google satelite view had given me a peek of the day before. As I was walking across the parking lot and onto the sidewalk I began to wonder what kind of car Kathleen drives. As I looked up a car came around the corner and somehow I knew immediately it was her. She parked and finally it was like time fell away.

Kathleen, thank you so much for that time out of your life. For 21 years my life has been mainly about the raising of my children and trying to do the things that would enrich their lives...or so I thought. I have rarely given myself very much time or consideration. Spending a few hours with you was one of the most wonderful 'gifts' I have given myself lately.

There is no way it makes sense to wait for the perfect set of circumstances to reconnect with people we truly miss. If you have had someone on your mind, reach out today.

When Is Hindsight Not 20/20

This has been running around in my head for several weeks. How many times have you looked at a snafu from your past and said, "Wow, hindsight is 20/20." Or, "If I would have known then what I know now, I would have done that different."? Well, how do you think you got to this point in your life today ------- because of all the snafus and life experiences from the past. If I would have stayed in college, graduated and gone on to gainful employment with a much higher self-esteem than the one that walked away from college, I would not be sitting here right now typing this out. If I would have not have spent three years of my life in a dead-end relationship I more than likely would not have been craving to get married and have children immediately and married the WRONG guy! If.....If.....If.... You fill in the blanks. It took all of those experiences to get me right here, right now, feeling these feelings, and working the 8 Steps of Recovery through Celebrate Recovery for the anxiety, co-dependency, low self-esteem, control issues...the list goes on.

I always thought I knew when my thinking was not on a desirable level and maybe some house cleaning of the cerebellum was in order. But what if my thinking wasn't straight to begin with, then how would I know the difference between healthy and unhealthy? How much second guessing myself is enough? Must I always second guess myself? How do I know when I am way too emotionally messed up to know I am messed up and make the right choices? How do I know when I need to make a change and when I simply need to sit back and and wait to see what will happen? How hard is it for me to sit quietly and listen to God? Am I asking God the right questions to get the answers I need?

If you weren't confused before, surely you are by now. Do you ask yourself a million questions and sometimes try to over-analyze your thoughts and situations? If I can find a comfortable place to sit, be quiet and feel myself in God's presence that is the beginning. For me it is as simple as asking myself if this is a situation I can or cannot change. If I can, it is only with God's guidance that I won't screw it up again. And if I can't, acceptance is the first step. Asking God to show me the right path for myself and everyone in my life is the next step.

It all begins with stopping and taking a breath. For me, this relieves my physical body of the pent up emotions and clears my head to begin healthier thoughts. So, is hindsight 20/20, I don't think so. I think it is just a way of making myself feel guilty for having made the dumb mistake in the first place. The best I can do is stay in prayer each day and try to make better choices from this day forward. Will I still make mistakes? Of course I will. The only difference is that I have much better life-skills this time around to either change the situation or apologize and move forward. I no longer have to push it deep inside myself and hope that eventually the guilt will go away.

I am on a healthier road these days and breathing fresher air.