Third time, same thing. This morning was the third time I have been confronted with Participants Guide 1, Lesson 3, Question 3...how do you describe something you don't know? tell about feelings you have always denied for as long as you can remember? begin to interpret your true feelings and not the ones you have been told to have.....3. How are your feelings for your heavenly Father and your earthly father alike? How do they differ?
On the way home the feelings began to envelope me like a dark, massive, oppressive cloud and I began to cry. There has to be a way to formulate what is swirling around in my heart and put it into words. Then the thought came to me - write a letter to both and see what happens - so let's get started and see where this takes me.........
Dear Father,
That sounds a little formal, but I really don't know what I called you. After you left I wasn't allowed to ask questions about you because it would make Mom sad; or so I was told. I have a few memories of you that aren't prompted by stories or pictures. Sometimes I would go in the car with you to pick up one or both of my sisters. On the dash was that button which would have had clock hands attached if we had that option in our car. I remember asking you what the button was for and you told me if I pushed it the car would fall apart. At the time I couldn't have been more than 3 years old, but I remember thinking there was no way the car would fall apart...guess I have always been a logical thinker. The last family trip we took together was to Mount Rushmore and I remember seeing the Indians and teepees. Then for some reason there was the afternoon we listened to the news on the radio where you, Mom, Teri and Susan all seemed transfixed and I sat in your lap. Not sure what we were listening to.
From what I have been told, our family went to your parents in Kansas City on Saturday, you got into a fight with your father and we came home. What were you thinking when you left the house in the middle of the night, leaving your wife and three young daughter unprotected? Did you have a plan? Did you feel God's tears as you drove to that deserted road, placed the hose in the exhaust pipe, ran it into the car with the engine running? Did you at least ask for His forgiveness before you took your last breath? Did you proclaim your belief and faith in God before you left this earth? Will I ever see you again?
I remember vividly the loud knock, or was it the doorbell, in the very early morning hours of Sunday morning. Mom was opening the front door, Teri was almost at the foot of the stairs, Susan was in the middle of the stairs and I was at the landing. But I could still see the uniformed officer and a man in a business suit standing at our door and then the loud cries as the news reached the top of the steps that my father was found dead. The next few weeks are blank from a 4-year-old mind.
My memory of the years since then are filled with all the events in my life that you missed. Some of the really big milestones that books are written about, movies are produced about and scrapbooks are filled with. What I missed the most where the hugs a girl needs from her father, the lessons a girl needs from her father and the quiet moments together a girl needs from her father...those are the significant occasions I needed to formulate in my mind how to expect a man to treat me, how to interact in a healthy way with a man and to feel secure in the world.
What happened instead was that I learned to be strong...how many times have you heard me cry out over the years, "I am TIRED of being strong, when do I get to be weak?" I learned to be self-sufficient in an unhealthy way. I learned to read others feelings so I could act, speak and solve problems according to others emotions...telling myself that I didn't matter...that I was selfish and conceited when I needed to take care of myself...living life to the extremes...doing everything I could to not feel my feelings.
As I grew I sought men who would 'save me', be everything to me, take care of my every need, love me, protect me, the sad list goes on and on. I didn't have a role model and went searching in the wrong ways with wrong men and for wrong reasons. No surprise that I was disappointed, hurt, used and discarded time after time. It was when I finally gave up that God brought Brian into my life.
My vision is improving and I am learning to express my thoughts with a little more clarity and healthy balance. As a child I was told to not be mad at you, you couldn't help it; those thoughts led to me seeing you as weak - not thoughts a girl wants to have regarding her father. Now I can see that you had hurts from your past which tore you apart and you didn't know how or where to reach out for help.
What I believe today is that like God, you loved me the best you could - God loves me still today and His love is unconditional. I believe you wanted what was best for me and perhaps felt like you couldn't provide that - God asks that I look to Him for what is best in my life and turn my will over to Him for His power. I believe that you provided a home for us the best that you could - God provides for me every day and has shown me that when I trust in Him my life is blessed in ways which amaze and sometimes overwhelm me.
God is ALWAYS there for me, all I have to do is call His name - you left me unprotected against the world. God has plans for my future and when I listen to Him and pay attention to His guidance I am led down the right paths - if you had any plans for my future they died with you. There are over 3000 promises in the Bible and God keeps His promises. What do you bring to my life....?
I am sorry for me that you chose to leave...chose to die...sorry for all the things I never experienced...but I am also sorry for you, you where one of God's children and He loved you unconditionally.
Your Daughter
Dear Father in Heaven,
I have so many memories of you at work in my life. In my heart I know you stood guard over our home from the time my father died until today and forever until the day You return. I have always believed in You, even during the times when I wasn't the most faithful follower.
I grew up hearing your stories about how you would always love me. Sorry about the times I turned my back and ran in the opposite direction. I can see now that those were the times I wasn't following your commandments and laws given to me for my protection. I saw them as one more person expecting perfection out of me. One more person wanting to control my life, one more person disappointed by my faults.
You answered my prayers when I asked for a husband that would love me more than I loved him - so that I wouldn't be hurt when he left like all the men previously in my life. I am not really sure that he loved me, I think he loves the alcohol and his rage more than anything else in his life. But you answered the prayers even though you knew it wasn't best for me...sorry for not trusting you to bring the right man into my life. You also answered my prayers when a doctor showed up in the hospital room hours after my son was born telling me 'most of these cases don't turn out well.' I asked if he meant my son would not live and he assured me that was correct. Remember how I told that doctor to leave and he wasn't permitted to see my son again? That day I prayed and requested prayers from everyone and everywhere. My son is ALIVE and healthy. You came to us again in the hospital when my first grandchild was born. Once again the doctors were cautious. I knelt beside my daughters bed, we held hands and talked with you. My granddaughter is ALIVE and healthy. While learning to live a new life through CR I have sought you and your advice - continuously you show me that by turning my will over to you and trusting in you I can see positive changes in my life daily!
So many times I have come to you with thanks, with questions, with pleading, with my rambling thoughts and YOU are ALWAYS available. I seek your advice, I seek your love, I seek your guidance, I seek your approval, I seek your presence, I seek quiet moments with You. The times when I felt like you had left me or were punishing me were the times I wasn't reaching out to you.
This would be a good time to say, "I am sorry"...sorry for the times I had the audacity to tell you how to run the world; when I told you what would make my life perfect; the times I accused you of not caring; when I was impatient; the times I demanded my own way. Learning to seek You through Bible study, heartfelt prayer and reaching out to others is leading to a deeper relationship with You. Thank you for being patient with me and seeing the possibilities in me!
The way you are most like my earthly father is that you both gave me life. And you are the most different in that You are always available to me and he took himself away, never to be available again.
Thank you for walking with me each moment of every day.
Your Loving Daughter,
Lauren
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