UGGGHHH!

Well, I have not done well at all this week with my Lent committment. Not only have I not read every day, but I haven't kept up with my daily devotions. My mind is racing with all of this Celebrate Recovery stuff. I don't really feel like myself, but I don't seem to know who 'myself' is. There is a great desire to NOT go back to 'myself' but to improve on my prayers, thoughts and actions.

When I first went to CR I thought, I should be able to read the book in a few weeks, maybe this will last a few months and then I will be 'new & improved' and ready to move on with the rest of my life. Well, it has been several months, I am still learning, and this is going to be a lifetime process! It is really not easy for me to trust people I don't know with the stuff in my head. Being superficial and social, I can handle. Being real and in depth is going to take some time I think.

Many parts of my life are really out of control. My mind races and my emotions seem to be along for the ride. Not sure exactly what is going on, but I know I want to stick around to see where this all takes me...it should prove to be interesting.

Thank goodness I can handle the day to day stuff. Get up, make sure Tuck gets on the bus, get a few more winks of rest, do some work, eat lunch, make dinner, never know how to plan because I don't know if Alex and/or Kyle will be here to eat with us, evening stuff, communicate with Brian when he gets home, go to bed, catch a few hours of sleep, start the next day....and in the middle are a million little things, running to the store for a myriad of items, taking people places, doing things for people, meetings, on and on the list goes...to the point that I don't even know anymore. Way too much to do and overwhelming at times.

I am not sad. I can't help but feel like this is leading me to something wonderful. All of this new information I am taking in and the learning I am absorbing into my body with the reading I am doing and the changes I am incorporating. It all feels so positive. It just is not easy to change and do things different. No matter how bad the present is, it is the way it is and easy. Making changes is hard and I have to think about what I need to be doing rather than what I have always done. I know I will be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, person, neighbor...a better ME!